It's well into the second semester and a lot of things have arisen. My marks continue to improve since my flat line in grade ten, well except for math. Currently I have an 86% in Guitar and Creative Writing, a 93% in History, and wait for it... a 64% in my Grade 12 Math class. My Business teacher still has not put any marks up in the three months since the semester started. But I believe I am doing well in that class too, seeming as it is one of the easiest classes I have ever taken. Although my marks are climbing towards zenith my emotions and mental health have taken a plunge into obsidian depths.
I have always wondered why I haven't been able to pay any attention during Math class, and I had came to the conclusion that I was a lazy imbecile. All the other kids in my class always seemed to be able to pay attention leaving me behind in my day dreams. Alas, I have found the reason for my incompetence in Math class for I have recently been diagnosed with ADD. At the mention of ADD you reading this most likely thought of the hyper type of ADD. But there is actually seven types of ADD and I have three of them, but not the hyper one. I believe, if I remember correctly I have types 1, 5, and 7. Type 1 is the inability to pay attention, and the ability get distracted easily. It also contributes to extreme procrastination, and a large lack of motivation. Type 5 is I think it's called Limbic ADD which contributes to feelings of depression, and hopelessness. Lastly Type 7 is anxious ADD, which coinciding with the name means I am anxious all the time. I have been susceptible to anxiety attacks lately and they are not fun. I get horrible social anxiety and it's hard for me to feel comfortable in my own skin.
A few days ago I went to the doctors to confirm the diagnosis and give me treatment for it. The doctor said that this medication would only help my Type 1 ADD so I might need to get a physiologist to treat my other types. She also told me that with this medication it may actually worsen the other two types because the medication helps me focus, and sometimes that focus is directed to bad and depressing thoughts. I was so desperate to get a medication to help me focus in Math that I accepted the medication for my Type 1 ADD. Her hypothesis unfortunately deemed correct because today I had to go home because I was over thinking depressing thoughts and I thought I was going to start crying so I went home. The medication seems to work at little for I have gotten more work done than I think I would have without the medication but it made my bad thoughts worse. I am not going to stop taking it though, I'm going to have to get dopamine supplements to counteract those thoughts.
It doesn't help that I am getting quite fed up with my friends. We seriously have nothing in common and I literally have nothing to talk about with them. They ostracize me almost everyday, and I don't know how much longer I can put up with it. I feel so left out when I am with them because they barley ever acknowledge me, they just talk among themselves and leave me out. There has been times I have been so fed up with it I just left and read my book in some corner of the school. I don't blame them, they are ignorant to my feelings and they don't realize they exclude me. I have tried to make other friends but that search was deemed unfruitful for everyone already has their social groups. I don't hate them, and if I did find other friends I would not discontinue our friendship. I'm just getting sick and tried of being ignored. I know it's said that life gets better, and High School is only four years of your life but this is getting hopeless. I have been stuck in a hole for the past year and no matter how hard I try I cannot climb out. I know it will get better but I am just absolutely sick and tired of this state of limbo.