Speaking of that stuff, I have found that the high from moving to a new place and making new friends has worn off. I'm starting to really miss my friends in Ontario well mostly just and and I also am starting to miss my old home and memories. When I first moved to Saskatchewan it was almost like a fog had fallen over my whole past and all I could only see what was right in front of me. Which I thought was a good thing if I can't think about my past I can't be sad about leaving. Well the fog has faded and I can see the past crystal clear. When I listen to songs I used to listen to it feels like I'm back home in Ontario. I was listening to Stone Sour the other day and I usually listened to that on my runs down the beautiful country side. I would run to the creek and climb down the rock face to a small ledge and sit there and just listen to the sounds of the rushing water. Smelling the scent of the pure country air, and if it was warm enough I would take of my shoes and stick my feet into the rushing water. All the while listening to Stone Sour. When I listened to that Stone Sour album the other day in English class I could almost smell the country air feel and hear the rushing water. And it felt like a huge punch in the chest all of the memories started to flood back in that very moment and I felt sick to my stomach, even though they were very good memories. Even now as I write this the tears are welling in my eyes. I tried to tell myself I loved it here I tried to tell myself I was a new person but it was all lies. I miss home, I miss and I miss all the old memories.
Everyday out here is like a day in a bleak barren wasteland, everyday is the same goddamn day. I realized me and my new friends have nothing in common and I have trouble communicating with them now. I think they can tell that I'm slipping and they have started to let me fall. I cry almost everyday, sometimes I can't hold it in and I burst out crying in front of my family members. I feel 100% alone. The path I once thought was so clear is totally gone now. I have become so lost, I'm just wandering around trying to find my way but I just get even more lost. Everyday all I do is count down the seconds till I can go home and be alone with my thoughts, its like I'm a ticking time bomb. I hate this and I don't know how much longer I can take it. I know if I really tried I could probably see some sort of happiness in my life but I have lost all of my will to carry on. But I know I can't give up, and I wont, I will just keep wandering lost through the frozen forest of life.
I'm sorry I just really had to get all of that off my chest. And in ways writing this has helped me release some emotion. I'm going to be more active on dA now, I feel when I'm on here I feel less alone. And hopefully I can get back into the rhythm of posting things and talking to everyone again. I hope I can actually stick to it this time. Thank to everyone who continues to watch me even though I haven't been active. I hope everyone has had a wonderful weekend, and I hope everyone reading this has a great week too.