Updates on my health and work

So hello, how is everyone. I am doing alright I suppose. There is a lot of things that have happened these past few weeks good things and bad. First and for most, I told my friends how I felt about them leaving me out. To be honest most of them didn't really care but a few did and apologized. So they are trying harder, I can still see I will never fit in but it shall do. At least I know I have a few people I can count on.

Also I must address my journal I wrote a while ago when I said I had ADD. So it turns out I actually probably don't have ADD. I don't think they know yet and neither do I. I started going to a therapist to help me out to find out what is really wrong with me. Turns out I have a lot going on. Most predominantly I have severe social anxiety disorder, this is breakthrough for me because all of a sudden all my symptoms fit together. I noticed that I had and still do have a problem with walking without something in my hands. And I always wondered why that was. Turns out it's part of my social anxiety. Everything makes so much sense now, why I can't make new friends, why I can't go out in public, why I sweat so much, why I always have an upset stomach, why I get heart palpitations, why I have such a hard time presenting in class, why I shake and get sweaty palms and a dry mouth. Also I don't know if this is linked to the anxiety but I get these little sparkles of light in my vision, they get really noticeable when I look at the sky, it's kind of annoying. And I have been reading and it sounds like that might be a rare side effect, I'm not sure though. After I learned of this I think it got worse because I was aware of it. I have so much trouble with the simplest tasks that people would normally not think twice about. I have to plan for 15 minutes how I should go about walking up to the front of the class to get a graphing calculator. My stomach hurts everyday at school and I have often gone home because of it but when I get home it gets better. I am so terrified of teenagers especially that it physically hurts. I can't go out to eat with my family I have to beg to stay in the car. I fake illnesses to get out of going out in public. It's so horrible and the worst part is I know how ridiculous it is. I know getting scared about people I know seeing me outside of school is stupid but I can't help but feel so anxious and scared about it. So my therapist is trying to help me with that. We have also discovered I have depression and I think normal anxiety *sigh*. I think one of the symptoms of depression is tiredness which has totally destroyed me these past weeks. I have been so physically exhausted to do anything but lay in bed. Even when I get more than 10 hours of sleep I am constantly longing to get home and getting into bed. I can't do anything right now but lay in bed and be anxious. It's been kind of horrible lately and I hope I can get through this. I have missed so much school because of this stuff. From thousands of doctors appointments, to going home because of my anxious stomach, or bursting into tears and running home I have missed about 50 periods of school. I don't think I'm really even behind in school except maybe math. I'm not writing this to get sympathy although I admit I am quite selfish. I'm writing this for awareness, to show that so many people have mental illnesses and they are not to be taken as a joke. I also want to say if anyone reading this is suffering with a mental illness that you can note me anytime you need to talk about it. I don't want anyone to suffer as I have. 

Anyways on a lighter note I got a job! Yay! I can finally afford to buy a billion band t-shirts. Well hopefully I don't blow all my pay checks on band t-shirts although I probably will. Anyways I went for my interview yesterday and I am supposed to start training tomorrow on Monday. I'm really excited to have a job because I can finally have my own money instead of begging my parents for money. Although I'm really scared about tomorrow not because I'm training for a job and it might be hard, oh no I'm scared about having to wait in the coffee room for 10 minutes. Yeah. I went to check it out yesterday and it sounded like there was a lot of people in there. I can just imagine tomorrow walking in, everyone will probably be like "who the hell is she and why is she in our break room". And I'm even more scared of seeing people that go to my school in there. I know it's stupid to think that way, I just don't want people to look at me. Anyways, I'm supposed to wait there for the trainer person to come and then I shall officially have a job. I just have to get past the coffee room and everything will be okay... hopefully. With a job I will not have as much time to write. But it is only part time and the summer is in two weeks. So I will have all day to write and then go to work in the evenings. I don't think it will be a problem if anything it might motivate me to get my writing goals done on time.

One bad thing though, I injured my back really really bad this weekend. I don't know how all I know is that yesterday I got out of the car and realized every step I took with my right foot put me in excruciating pain of the right side of my back. Today it is even worse it hurts to breath and I can barely walk let alone climb stairs. So what does that mean? It means I have to miss even more school, and right before exams. Hopefully the chiropractor can fix it before job training or I will be really and truly be screwed. Ah man what I good time it was to injure myself. Anyways hopefully I meet a lot of awesome people on the job, maybe a cute guy who knows. I hope the social interactions I will encounter on the job will put me in a better place mentally. I look forward to getting out of all this hurt and suffering. I have hope, I think that's the most important thing. I believe if I stick to it better days will come, I'd be a fool to give up now.